Farting and Picking Your Nose

When you're with the boys, these things don't seem to be a big deal. As a matter of fact, in some circles, you're expecting to act this way.

At home, you let out a hug fog in the living room and think nothing of it and you certainly think your wife tolerates it, if not actually thinks it's funny.

Well, guess what. She doesn't think it's funny or cute and she certainly doesn't appreciate your humor while she's sitting there enjoying a bowl of ice cream.

I had a husband (note the had part) who thought it cute to climb into bed, let out a huge fart, lift the covers with his feet, hold down his side of the covers and lift mine up so that I got the full impact. He'd laugh like he'd just pulled of the royal prank of the year and then come at me, wanting sex. Is it any wonder, I soon started referring to myself as a log with a hole in it? Oh, that's right, you guys don't know what I'm talking about.

Picking your nose, especially in public is about the biggest turn off I can think of. If you happen to actually have a woman who appreciates that, it's definitely a sign that you both deserve each other. This is almost as offensive as a guy who would plunge his hand down the front of his pants, in public, to scratch.

At home, some wives are left to wonder who actually raised her man. From what she can gather, it was a herd of goats. Who, with any manners at all, would drop their underwear loaded with skid marks and chunks, right in the middle of the bathroom floor so that if and when his wife came walking through, she'd either step in  his feces or dodge around them? If there's not a hamper nearby, the least you can do is fold them over so that nobody has to see your insides, and push them into the corner until you're done with your shower.

Some guys have never heard of the concept of folding and hanging up their towel, so that it will dry. If you're not one of these, then believe it or not, you have fellow males who think the floor is the only place for a wet towel.

When your wife has gone to the trouble of fixing and serving dinner, at an actuall dinner table with chairs and the whole scene, have the decency to show up with a clean shirt on. Nobody wants to stare at your hairy, sweaty belly while they are trying to eat. If you want to pick your ears, do it in the bathroom or bedroom, not while watching TV and especially sitting at the dinner table.

"See" food, is not funny. It's gross and stomach turning and in my opinion, any guy that would open his mouth full of food and make sure everyone sees, belongs in a barn with the cows.

Those of us who live in America, would like to say to thousands of men, we are not in old Arabia. If you have to burb during a meal, cover your mouth with your fist or napkin and be as discrete as possible and then say, "Excuse me". It won't kill you to show a little respect at the table.

Holding fist over fork is the way baby's use utensils. Not grown ups. Learn how to do it right and be a man.

You want to turn you woman completely 'OFF', let that door slam in her face. Go ahead, I dare you. What ever happened to gentlemen? And by the way, walking 10 feet ahead of your woman is for third world countries, not civilized communities of America or the UK,etc.

Referring to your woman as 'my old lady' is demeaning and downright disgusting. Neither does your woman have 'tits', cows have teets.

When you think walking beside your woman with your hand on her ass, is showing the world that 'this is mine', let me clue you in. The rest of the world feels sorry for that woman to have such a crude ass for a husband. And by the way, she knows that and it's embarrassing.

Let's see....you start the morning with a huge fart, come home at night all sweaty and dirty and sit down to the dinner table without your shirt, fart a few times and belch as loud as you can. Then you sit in front of the TV, wiping the sweat off your back onto the new velour chair and drinking a beer. Then you get up to shower, drop your filthy underwear right in front of the bathroom door, instead of in the hamper. She comes in and steps right on your chunks and you find out and laugh.

Then you sit watching TV while demanding your wife sit there and consume her own evening, scratching your back. Then at bed time, you let out a huge fart just after she's climbed into bed and you wonder why she suddenly has 'a headache'.

Start the countdown on your own personal doomsday clock.