Just the Boys

As much as I hate airing my own dirty underwear, there are times when it's handy to pull out of memory, one of my own experiences in order to share a thought. Most of these involve a highly abusive personality, I'm ashamed to have ever been acquainted with, much less married to.

Today, is one of those times and while most of you will tilt your head in wonder about some folks, there are also many of you, pulling off these same stunts. I share this with you to get a point across.

"I'm just going out with the boys", is not a great thing to say to your wife. Especially if you've just come home from work and headed for the shower, then shaved and splashed on after shave before putting on your best clothes. Some how this doesn't relate. Why would a guy go to so much trouble just to be with the 'boys'?

She may not say anything but I guarantee, she's thinking it. What's worse, the day may come when her eyebrows raise as the realization begins to dawn on her that maybe, just maybe, he really was going out with the boys. An even worse thought than her first.

When after several of these occasions, she begins to wonder why she's not going out with you and you offer her the explanation of 'where I'm going is not suitable for a woman', what exactly are you telling her? Where would you be going that's not also suitable for your wife? If it's not good enough for your wife, then it's not good enough for you.

If you love your wife and want to keep her, never offer up an excuse for spending a night away from her. Especially if there's only one car between you and she doesn't have plans of her own, the same night. The more time you spend apart from each other, on a Saturday night, the easier it is to make the transition to a permanent situation.

I'm not talking about those special occasions like a bachelor's party, showers, etc. I'm talking about a weekend habit.

You can take my advice or leave it but if I were you, I'd give it some serious thought.

My Wife is Cold in Bed !

My father used to say something that was so profound and so true. "There is no such thing as a cold woman, only clumsy men".

That, of course, was a man's way of saying it. Now I'll try to explain it.

On more than one occasion, I heard other men call my dad 'pussy whipped'. Want to know what his reaction was? "You betcha" with a huge grin and a twinkle in his eye. Boy could he make those eyes twinkle. He was one happy guy.

So where did this attitude come from that a man who appeared to be letting his wife have her way, with just about anything, was a bad thing? My dad, was one smart guy. He let his wife think she was the boss of the house and that was his ticket to have her, any time, any day and as often as he wanted and she loved it.

So which of you wins all the arguments? Poor guy. Which of you puts your wife down, in public as well as at home? You poor love starved soul. Which of you see yourself as 'the MAN'. How lonely is that?

Now I'll ask it from the other point of view. Which of you lets the whole world think your wife walks all over you? Not a bad ticket. Is it?

Who cares what the world thinks, if you're getting yours at home? Which makes you happy? The opinions of strangers or your wife's attitude toward you. Those strangers are never going to give you what you need, in life. Where will they be, when you're old and sick? Where were they , when you couldn't even get a peck on the cheek from your own wife?

OK, so here's the lowdown. What you said last month, dictates your wife's mood tonight. Apologies just remind her of what you said. It doesn't fix things. What's worse, you don't even remember!

So, isn't that a huge reason for being careful what you say to and about your wife? You're way ahead, if you learn early, that it doesn't take away from your esteem, to hold your wife up on a pedestal. That, of course, is regardless of what others may think about her.

Hold your wife in high esteem and you get several reactions. One is jealousy from other women, another is scoff from your male friends and the last is a wife who's always ready. Oh, and by the way, those male scoffing friends? They should wish they could have their wive's attention, the way you do. Let 'em scoff. No skin off your nose.

What feeds your soul and sooths the day, happens at home in privacy. Not at the bar. Not with your buddies.

Sympathize when your wife has had her feelings hurt. Give an understanding ear to her problems, even if you don't agree. Always, act like you couldn't walk without her by your side. Hold her hand. Put an arm around her waist in public, so she knows you're proud of her. Never push yourself on her so that she feels like it's always her decision.

Being this way with your woman, keeps her in the 'mood' a whole lot more than if you make demands on her or worse, insult her.

I can't talk for men, but I sure know what women are like and if a woman ever catches you in a lie, you've lost her. One lie, tells her you're capable of lying ,and the trust and honor goes right out the window. If your wife can't trust you, she can't warm up for you. Don't ever lie to your wife.

"I don't need you. I can do this all by myself"

The modern day woman. It seems the majority of them have had 'home and family' bred right out of them.

You ever get the feeling you're just good for the paycheck? Easily replaceable? Not really needed?

Let me share with you the attitude you really should be having. How about that attitude toward the little child who says, "I can do it all by myself" only to flub it all up and go crying to their room. Ashamed to admit, they really couldn't do it.

Sure your wife could take care of the children, bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan. I mean, she's almost doing all that already, even with your paycheck. But let her try that month after month, with no moral support and no partner around. Watch what happens when the car goes on the blink and her paycheck barely covers the bills, as it is. And when she comes down with the same flu, the kids came down with and she's trying to take care of them when she, herself, wants to run for the toilet. What then?

Will her attitude change then? Oh yes but will she admit it.

You can take this from a middle aged woman who has had to do it all. Some the easy way, some the hardest way. Women are not the tower of strength they so hope the world will see them to be. It starts showing up when the stress starts attacking from all sides. Men are made to cope with these things, women are not.

I can hear the arguments now. I've heard them all my life. Does that change my mind, when I see years of proof of what I say? This isn't opinion talking. This is wisdom. That woman can accomplish amazing things, just as long as you're still within sight. It's the man, who provides the strength in the family. Even if he does absolutely nothing! His mere presence and attitude, anchor the family.

It doesn't take much to lead the family. It has very little to do with demands and all the world to do with the calm presence of the man. Calm, steadfast and strong. There's your ingredients.

When your wife gets the attitude that you are of no use, all you have to do is stop being there for her. Eventually, she will have to admit there IS a use for you. :

When she says, "The kids are driving me crazy", instead of offering sympathy and help, offer her a stout, "What do you want me to do about it?" See if you don't see the difference in her reaction. Offering help, is being the partner. The latter is a total flake out. Think she might appreciate the differences?

If you're having troubles like this, this is what you do. Sit down for a serious talk. Here are the rules. One talks the other listens and then you switch roles. While one is talking, the other cannot interrupt.

If you truly are a man and truly want a solid family that has a true goal, truly wanting to work together as a team to provide a peaceful home, then I'm talking to you.  If not, forget it and why are you here?

You see, a body with two legs can go forward. A body with one leg can still go forward but at a much slower pace. A body with two right legs is going to accomplish much of nothing.  Just like a football team, everybody has their job and it all works together. That's what a family is.

You can call me a liar but there's no way around the fact that the male skeleton has one less rib, than the female skeleton. That's a scientific fact. I can prove my point, many other ways but to get directly into the subject: men are created for one job and women are created for another, both complimenting the other. Together, they are one. Together, they go forward.

Couples that stop going forward, stop working as a team, go to the divorce courts because they can't overcome the frustrations. They know they have a problem, they know the symptoms but they can't boil it down to the disease and they give up. The disease? Two right legs.

Men are created with upper body strength, while women have lower body strength. Let a man try to carry a laundry basket on his hip. It doesn't fit.  Men are created with an all 'outward' emotion, while women have an all 'inward' emotion.  A man spends his life with an outbound force and attitude. A woman spends her life with a inbound power.

What that means is, the man is designed to handle stress from outside the home while the woman is designed to handle stress within the home. Even the body, testifies to this. The male organs are forward, while the female organs are contained within.

Since even in business, attention is paid to the bank account while at the same time, going out into the world to bring into the bank account. It takes both, to accomplish business and succeed. If everyone in the business just sat and tended the bank account, there would be no bank account. The same for the sales force. If the whole business spent all it's time in the world bringing in the money, there would still be no money because there's nobody tending the bank account. Where would it go?

The family is certainly as important as business and if run the same way, there would be no divorce.

I personally, don't believe in mother's working outside the home. Why? Because she has to become a man in her heart of heart's to be able to do this job switch. A man is not a nurturer. The woman is.

So while she feels she could do it all herself, she's asking to be both man and woman. Now that's a tiresome scene. That makes a body old before its time.

In a proper marriage, you work together as a team. The man working outside the home and coming home to rest. The woman rests, off and on all day, between jobs. Sounds pretty balanced, to me. So she has to do all the housework. I don't understand the big deal. Unless, of course woman have forgotten the routine of keeping the house up, so that there never is a huge clean up job.

Some men wield a hammer all day long. Some talk on that phone all day. Whichever it is, it's just as tiring as vacuuming, so I don't understand the woman whining about no help with the housework, when she doesn't have to work anywhere else. One job is just as tiring as the other.

I see no harm in him helping with the dishes until the kids are old enough to take over that job. But then when the kids are old enough, why should dad have to help? The kids have just as much responsibility in the home as the adults. Everybody has their role to play. I see no reason for grumbling about it.

The family with a home, furnishings and food, has no call to complain. If that family complains, they should be required to live in a shack, with not enough food and no money for soap, if that's what it takes to make them understand the wealth they have.

Considering that the man is actually the strong one in the family, it is he who needs to be the most gentle. A true man doesn't have to prove it. And if his wife thinks she is walking all over him, manipulating him and getting her way, it's just proof that the man is doing his job right. It's the man who instills fear in his wife and children, who is failing. Strength does not look like might, it looks like a rock. The best way I know of, to keep a wife happy and content, is to gain her respect.

Think about this: it's easy to respect a rock, not so easy to respect a fire cracker. What a woman respects, she loves. What she loves, she leans on. What she leans on, she keeps.

Making a woman cry, is not building respect. In fact, it's doing the opposite. Remember that one. It's your strength that carries the ball, not your demands. Demands just drive people away.

So that talk, I was telling you about? It's what I've been telling you in these past paragraphs.  Is your wife unhappy about the amount of money the family has? She needs to learn content. Anyone can learn to live within their means. What is she looking for in life? Bright lights? Party time? Settle it right now. Lay it on the line. Does she want a healthy home? Or does she want to throw it all away. If she wants to throw all that away, stop trying to build a family with that woman. If you think this hurts now, just wait a few more years and see what she can do to you. Don't put yourself through that. There's a good woman waiting.

If she realizes what she's been threatening and wants to have a happy home, then you have something to talk about. Do you really need 2 incomes or could you have a smaller home and survive on 1? If there are children, she has no business trying to be both male and female, holding down an outside job plus the one at home.

If there are no children yet, then what would you work toward? Two incomes can save money a lot faster than one.

Make the deal, write it down and then stick to it. Your job, her job, where are you going, where do you want to be 5 years from now. If you're both working outside the home, then you're both also working in the home and that means sharing the housework. If just the man is working outside the home then her job IS the home and that needs to be clarified.

If you're still having trouble, share with her what I've told you here. There's no getting around true facts. Men and women are NOT the same.

Just as a silly side note, have you ever tried the chair lift? Place a light weight chair against the wall. First let the woman try this. Stand with the knees against the chair, lean forward until you're holding your weight against the wall with your head. Now grab the chair by both sides and try to stand straight up, while still holding the chair and lifting it. A woman can, a man cannot. Why? Because of your skeletal structure and the balance of your body strength.

The man's power is in his arms and upper body. The woman's power is in her hips and legs. Now tell me that isn't a perfect team.

So the next time your wife is 'throwing her weight around', and seemingly bossing the household, just remember who it is who has the true strength in the family. Isn't that enough to give you peace? Isn't that enough to feel like a rock? You don't have to jump just because your wife demands it. You just have to know how to reverse the command with a gentle and loving voice.

Try it, next time. She, "Come here". You, "I have an idea. (with a wink and a smile) How about you come over here." (while patting your knee) Just like that, you've become the rock. Loving your wife is showing her your strength, in the face of anything.

"Why can't you help me with the dishes?" "Come here, hon. Sit down with me. Why are you in such a fury to get the dishes done? You deserve to relax a little, too". That's being the rock. "I work all day and damn if I'm going to go home and do your work for you". That is being a bully and a failure.

I feel trapped!

Wait a minute. Did you make the decision to marry or not?

Let me have a few minutes with you and maybe , just maybe turn your entire life around into something wonderful.

When you're 20, it's easy to think that life is passing you by, that the guys have all the fun and you're tied down. Believe it or not, you're going to be 40, one of these days. You're going to be 50, then 60 faster than you could ever imagine.

If you're married now and things are good, it's time to think about keeping it good. If you're married and things aren't so good, you better do yourself a favor and find out why and fix it.

" Oh it was just the heat of attraction". Do you really think it happens any other way? Do you really think that all those long time marriages, started out with no thoughts about sex at all, it was just true love from the beginning? You have another thing coming.

Regardless of how it happened for you, you got married. And wasn't that lovely lady in love with you, at the time? Weren't you in love with her, at the time? So what has cooled?

Maybe nothing more than a good dose of reality. Ever think about that one?

Do you know why people save and plan for retirement? Are they just thinking 'survival' or are they thinking about a whole lot more out of life? Don't you think they have visions of traveling and doing the things they've never had the time to do?

What's the difference between saving towards your retirement, and making a marriage work? Both are taking you toward that day of peace and comfort. That day when you can finally stop clocking in to work, every morning.

You work now, so you can play later. If you play now, you'll wind up toiling away when your body is tired and weak. Now there's something to look forward to. The guy who plays first, expecting that somehow everything will work out, finds himself flat broke and with nothing to show for all his years. Who's going to support you? Welfare? Social Security? You going to find some way to survive on less than $1000 a month? You'd be a fool to wait and depend on others, to take care of you when you're old. So the idea is to work for it now, while you're young and strong.

The same with marriage. Marriage isn't a contract, guaranteeing your entertainment and pleasure. It's a contract between two people, willing to work together for the good of both. It's kind of like having a right leg, to go with the left. It's a whole lot easier to walk with 2 legs.

OK, so you're young and you've gotten married. Now what? Work, boy, work! It's your future, we're talking about, not today's pleasures. You work together to form a great team and that team is more polished and workable, every year that goes by.

The mistake most young folks make, is in thinking they will always feel the way they do today. The problem is, that's not reality. Reality says you're going to slow down, you're going to lose muscle tone, and you're just liable to be subjected to physical conditions, you never dreamed of.

Are you going to wait until you are too old to be pleasing to the other sex, before deciding to settle down? I'll show you thousands of guys who thought that way. Nobody wants to get tangled up with a guy who will probably last another 10 or 20 years and become a burden. Nobody!

I'm 63 years old and long time divorced. You think I'm out there looking? You're out of your mind. Any guy out there that's my age and available, is available for a reason. I don't want somebody else's left overs. It's kind of like buying a used car. You're buying somebody's car problems. Oh no, no no no....I may be facing old age alone, but I'll face it without the dread of nursing some old guy who never gave me anything.

If I had had a decent man, I'd still be married and I'd find a way to make it work. That's the guy I'd face old age with. The one who was there when the kids were born. The one who was there when the car broke down. That guy. I won't take on somebody else's problems. You see where I'm coming from?

I don't care how handsome you are, how rich your are, how popular you are....you can lose it all. Who's going to be there to hold your hand? Will it be the bride of your youth? Will it be some gold mining young chick who will run out on you, the minute you start to stink or get too ugly?

Be smart, guys. Invest in your future. Take care of that woman you married. Stop thinking of her as a ball and chain. Straighten up your head and look at things as they really are, not the childish things you've been thinking.

Now, while still working at your team, it's not all about you but believe me, when you're old, it can become all about you in a snap.

Does this dress make me look fat?

Never! I mean, NEVER say what you think. Let me share with you, the proper way to answer. It works. I promise.

You have to crawl outside of yourself and into her mind, to answer this question. Here's what it sounds like:

"Hon. You know I'm blind, when it comes to you. I look at you through loving eyes and I can't see what it is you see, when looking in the mirror. So this is a hard one for me. I have to find some way to look at you like a stranger, before I can answer that. To me, you're beautiful all the time.

Now, the only way I can come even close to giving you an unbiased opinion, is to look at you the way you do. I love you and I know what would embarrass you, so that's all I can come up with - What would embarrass you. So please, don't take offense, if I say something you don't want to hear. I'm not talking from my point of view, I'm trying to see things from your point of view.

I mean, it's like if you have something between your teeth. I tell you because I love you and don't want you to discover it later and hate me for not telling you. I don't tell you because it offends me. "

Then and only then, take a good hard look. I mean, really! For her sake. Have her turn around. Cock your head a little. Act like you care!

Then you can say something like," OK. Everything looks great except one area. That skirt cups around your belly. You can't see it in the mirror but looking at you the way others will, is a whole other matter. You know I love you and don't care but I know you care and would be embarrassed if you knew what others could see. So, I'm telling you, in all truthfulness, except for that section of the skirt, it looks great."

You see, where guys go all wrong is not understanding that his woman wants to know he's on her side. She doesn't need your criticism. She needs your understanding and love. She wants to know that when she steps out that door, other people are not going to look at her and be thinking, "Why couldn't her husband tell her what that looks like?"

That's it. That's what it's all about. You approach her in this way and she'll trust your opinion for the rest of her life and will continuously come to you for that final approval. She will also feel safe, when she steps out the door.

Nothing will endear you to your wife, more than letting her know you're on her side.